Identity

I woke up this morning with a sudden urge to know my identity. I must admit it was like an adrenaline rush, a serious restlessness as thoughts were crossing my mind adding more to my confusion. I guess when one lives in a different country far away from the birthplace, many factors contribute to shaping behavior and at some point, it is natural to have an identity crisis.

This unrest led to a lengthy discussion with my mentor on this topic. I must mention here that he is a senior academician and secretly enjoys taking my class (pun intended) whenever I am in serious confusion. I guess he loves the Socratic method of reaching a conclusion through discussion. Anyway, this is how our discussion unfolded.

: Good morning sir! How are you?

: I am doing fine. What brings you to call this early morning? Hope all is well.

: Yes, all well except I am a little confused this morning and wondering if you could help me?

: 'What is bothering you today my dear?' I could sense him smiling over the phone.

: I do not have clarity on my identity. I feel lost and I must find this out for my own sanity.

: Oh, you poor thing, that should be simple.

: But I am struggling.

: Why? What is your identity?

: I am Indian but Odia too. Problem is, sometimes people around me sharing the same identity behave strangely, and I am not sure if I feel proud of that.

: It is not a question of pride or shame. We are discussing identity. What's your identity? Do you consider yourself Odia? If so, then you need to think about why.

: I do consider myself Odia, but am I really the Odia today that our proud history books describe? I am proud yet not so proud of certain things.

: Again you are going back to the pride and shame dichotomy. First, let us get clarity on the topic of whether you are Odia or not.

: For many years I have identified myself as Indian. Never really tried to separate my Odia identity from my Indian identity. But lately, as I am surrounded by more friends who belong to the same root, and I am grateful to them for that too, I am trying to reestablish my identity firmly and would like to feel proud as an Odia. But the behavior pattern I find in some cases doesn’t make me feel so proud of my roots.

: There lies the crux of the problem. Did I hear it right? You didn't separate your Odia identity from your Indian identity. Obviously, you find yourself confused about your identity. If you think that you are Indian and not Odia, how can you belong to the Odia community? If you say you are Odia, then why can’t you be proud?

: Being part of the regional community here for so long taught me many good, bad and ugly lessons. It will be hard for me to express myself in words. But that doesn’t stop me from proudly saying that I am Odia when I’m in the broader Indian community. I am not sure what holds me. But the moment I flaunt my regional identity, nitty-gritty details of people’s behavior makes me suffocated. Not sure why but I always feel there is an elephant in the room and no one knows how to handle it. Many times I find the awkward silence hard to read. Within the community, there are various clusters according to their varied interests. That is very natural. But, if you don’t belong to any such cluster, then your existence is not even acknowledged. So I feel lost as if I don't belong anywhere.

: Well, looks like you have some frustrations in general and that doesn’t help to establish your identity. But why are you so concerned about being recognized by others?

: I do not need to be recognized but I expect a little warmth and affection from my fellow community members, particularly when we consider belonging to the same community. Is it too much to expect?

: All other communities might be facing the same problems too. I am hearing a lot of frustrations here but that appears to me a personality problem rather than an identity problem. Let me circle back to the main question here, do you identify yourself as Odia?

: Yes. Of course, I am ODIA!

: Okay. If despite all this you consider yourself an Odia, then why?

: I was born in Odisha, grew up there, and had my basic foundation of education there.

: Now you are nearer to the moot point. Congratulations. But Meera Nair was also born, grew up, and had her basic foundation of education in Odisha. Is she an Odia?

: Not in her heart I assume.

: Ah, ‘in heart’! This is a really important point. When you call someone Odia, why do you call him or her so?

: You have seen me in the past years. Even in my looks, I have tried my best to represent Odisha.

: Meera Nair can represent Odisha on some or other occasion. Will you call her Odia? Many non-Odia IAS officers represent Odisha at some point. Will you call them Odia?

: I guess if you are not born to Odia parents it might be difficult to call yourself Odia. Even if one is born in Odisha and grows up in Odisha, when parents are non-Odia the identity may get diluted.

: Good. So we come to the conclusion that identity, like parental property, is inherited. What about your daughters? Do they consider themselves being Odia? How do they describe themselves before their friends?

: Among Indian friends, yes. Otherwise, they more or less consider themselves as Americans. Training them in Odissi dance was my long-term vision for implanting the Odia identity in their mind.

: Good. You helped in their identity formation. But many foreigners also learn Odissi, and many non-Odias in India too learn Odissi. For example, Dona Ganguly is a famous Odissi dancer. Does she consider herself Odia?

: No. Certainly not. Maybe you are Odia only when you are born in Odisha.

: But your daughters were not born in Odisha. Still, they call themselves Odia. Do you think that their children will consider themselves to be Odia too?

: Why not? Mother is the first teacher and she will teach what is close to her heart.

: Great. What's that the mother teaches?

: Language.

: Yes. That's why it is the mother tongue. If you lose the language you certainly lose that identity.

: So can we conclude that identity is based on language? That is, I am Odia because I speak Odia.

: Now think of your parents. Obviously, they were Odia. But why?

: Because they were born to Odia parents and spoke Odia.

: But what about their parents and their grandparents and their great grandparents? And great great grandparents? All can not speak Odia. Certainly, it must stop at some point because we all evolved from monkeys.

: Right. That's what I'm telling you. The Odia language during Kharabela's time is a lot different from modern Odia. But he considered himself belonging to Kalinga and I consider myself the same. So our history and our roots certainly play a role.

: Yes. You are right. But let us think about the root. Bhaktakabi Madhusudan Rao's forefathers came from Maharashtra. But he considered himself to be an Odia. Similar is the case of Karmabira Gourishankar. Even though his forefathers were Bengali, he fought with Bengalis when they hatched conspiracy against Odia language. He published the first Odia newspaper and his younger brother wrote the first Odia play.

: Then one's root is not important in identity?

: If your daughters do not know Odia they can't pass the language to their children and after a few generations, the progeny will identify themselves with America as your Vice President Kamala Harris does.

: I think it is sad. But I hope my daughters may still identify themselves as Odia even with their fragmented knowledge of Odia. And their children may remember their roots.

: That is the state of identity disintegration. You identify yourself to be Odia but your grandchildren may not do that, particularly if your daughters marry non-Odias in the future.

: So we may say that root is different from identity and identity is formed and is also disintegrated over time?

: Obviously. In Indonesia, there is a community called Kling. They claim that their forefathers came from Kalinga. I think some Sadhabas married and settled there. Now they have not forgotten their roots but still, they don't identify with Odisha.

: Then how does one's identity take shape?

: For this, we have to understand the characteristics of identity.

: Now I am still wondering if there is a personality attached to that identity?

: Maybe every community has some characteristics that differentiate itself from others. But when personality is about a person, identity is about groups. Let's stay focused on identity. What are the characteristics of Odia identity?

: Of course, language is one of them.

: Anything else?

: Should living inside Odisha’s territory be a characteristic of identity?

: Do you expect no one should be Odia outside Odisha? In Jharkhand alone, there are forty lakhs Odias.

: But you told me living outside leads to an identity disintegration.

(My voice betrayed my frustration. I could hear him chuckle over the phone at my discomfiture.) 'How about food, culture?' I asked again.

: Yes, to some extent they contribute. Again what is Odisha’s culture?

: (Crab culture..I mumbled in my head) You have taken a solid test of me this morning. Is culture the common practices observed by a group of people based on the same beliefs?

: Belief... Aha! Beautiful! What is the cornerstone of our belief system?

: Lord Jagannath!

: Yes! Odias are bound together by a history and a culture that revolves around Lord Jagannath. And finally, it is love. Love for the language, love for the land, and love for the culture characterize your identity. Your identity is how you define who you are; it is also how others define you. People find comfort and security to express their emotions among their own kind. It is their attachment to the community and love for its members that builds expectations. That is why sometimes we get frustrated with our own people.

: Thank you sir for removing my confusion. I am grateful to you not only for helping me with my identity but also for finding how love plays a role in binding people. Love leads to attachment, expectations, and frustrations which are part and parcel of life. Love makes us gladly accept all imperfections of life, including our identity. Now that I am at ease I wish you a wonderful day ahead!

By

Mrs. Manorama Choudhury

Originally published in Urmi 2022 OSA Magazine